Sunday, July 05, 2009

The Hardest Part

"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."

It started with a Beatles quote and I suppose it's going to end with one too. I hope this one is true.

I decided to end this blog some time ago. It wasn't working out for us, I guess. It hasn't fulfilled the purpose for which it was originally started and what began as the holy dark now just feels like a big, dark space.

A lot of my life is a big dark space right now. Writing about it used to help me, but the voids here don't seem to be filled by anything. The people I want to write to don't read me anymore, or they never did anyway.

It's been a good three years or so. Nevermind that I felt guilty and narcissistic about it most of the time. I enjoyed some of it, hated some of it, and some of it still makes me cringe. It hurts to say goodbye, because at the end of it, the words are my children, they are me.

But I'm ending it here, not because I've found my purpose or am moving on to greener pastures. I'm ending it out of desperation because I don't know where to go or what to do and all that faces me everywhere I turn is an insurmountable grey wall.

I just need to know there is something more for me than this.