To Be
"Be brave," she said, quietly looking me over, her face pale with a nameless fear that grows as swiftly as mutant cells.
"I am brave," I replied honestly, looking away, knowing her words were more to give her courage than me.
I am a coward.
I am frightened of many things: of rollercoasters and heights and the idea of bungee-jumping, of large, goggle-eyed fish, of evil, triangle-headed praying mantises that sit on the door frame staring at me, of walking around alone in a darkened house and falling down the stairs, of losing my dog or having to put him to sleep, of my teeth coming loose when I sleep, of not drinking enough calcium and suffering osteoporosis, of grieving familes and unpredictable mad, urine-soaked old men, of pain and blood and failing everybody's expectations and being fired and of being undesirable and unpretty and unwanted, of being scolded, of being hurt by people I love, of hurting people I love.
But having survived the night, I now know one thing with absolutely certainty: I am not afraid to die.
She said, she said at 3:13 pm
2 Comments:
You're really not afraid to die?
What night gave you such courage? :)
You're gonna have to tell me!
I don't think it's a matter of courage, man... just that I've thought about the fact that I have to die for a long time and I've finally come to terms with it. I've filled out my death certificate, written my own obituary, planned a living will, figured out my funeral... and through all this, I finally came to the realisation that I'm ready to go at anytime... maybe I'll regret the parts of life I'll miss and fear the pain that might come with it, but of the actual journey, the uncertainty of what's behind the door, I'm not actually scared anymore. :)
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