Friday, December 15, 2006

How to Bathe A Dog - In Seven Easy Steps

1) Ready the bath implements. This includes a good supply of warm water, shampoo, and most essential of all, the bath towel which does double duty as a restraining harness for when the dog comes grumpily out of the shower. Readying the bath implements is important because you will not have much time to wrangle the dog once he is caught, so everything should be at hand. Running for a towel in the midst of a good dog dunking could cause you precious seconds.


2) Catch said dog. This is easier said than done as once step 1) is completed, the dog will have mysteriously vanished like smoke and will be nowhere to be found. Good hiding places are under the couch, under the bed, under the table and under the toilet bowl. This is a good time to question the practicality of having furniture that stands on legs. Indeed, why not buy a futon and a plank of wood for a table and be done with it? Less is more!

A good trick to carrying out step 2) is to wave a treat such as a dog biscuit in the line of vision of the dog’s hiding place while simultaneously pretending that you cannot see him. Hum/whistle and look away innocently. When you spot a large pair of ears emerging, turn and make a grab for all you are worth. Unfortunately, this trick is only good for one go and also, as a side effect, makes the owner look really stupid (if he/she doesn’t already).


3) Dunk the dog. Do this quickly and without mercy. I repeat, take no prisoners. Do not be swayed by the huge eyes that will undoubtedly be flashed in your direction nor the piteous cries accompanied by trembling and twitching of the whiskers.

Tell yourself that this is what he gets for spending all week rolling around in dirt/ grass/ puddles of rainwater on the road/ the neighbour’s hot female Schnauzer.


4) Apply the dog shampoo. This is undoubtedly the easiest and best part of the whole operation for you. Liberally squirt lavender/ balsam-scented gel on the dog’s back and lather up a storm. Be sure to pile mushroom clouds of shampoo foam on the dog’s head for comic relief – even better if his ears are too big for his face.

And just because you can, rinse the dog off once to give him false hope, and when his tail begins to wag, apply the second coat of shampoo, cackling evilly as you go. Watch his face as you do this – I swear, pure gold.


5) Rinse dog and let him shake himself dry. It is at this point that the dog will decide to give you a bath instead. Stand firm. It doesn’t matter that now you smell of wet dog and fake lavender or that you had a proper shower twenty minutes ago. You didn’t come this far for nothing, you know.


6) Pick dog up and dry him with the bath towel from step 1). This means that whatever parts of you were dry and nice-smelling up till now will be dry and nice-smelling no longer. Because the dog will undoubtedly be thrashing about madly, doing his darnest to escape, you should probably also get on your hands and knees and dry the floor too. And then the bathtub. And then the walls. And then the dog, again.


7) Let the dog go. Breathe a long sigh of relief and pick clumps of dog hair off your shirt and out of the bath tub plug hole. Wipe your trembling hands dry and go out into the living room. Watch the dog run around in frustration before peeing on the freshly mopped floor and proceeding to rub himself in it to mask the noxious lavender fumes. Tell yourself that it’s okay, he is just a dog and doesn’t know any better.

Disregard the cheeky twinkle in his eye and the once more jaunty wag of his tail.

Count from one to ten.

Remind yourself of the way he looked when he was a puppy, innocent, warm, pink and cute.

Count from ten to one.

And then, take a deep breath and let it go.

Tell yourself, as you watch him trample his bath towel into dirty shreds, to take what victories you can. You know, pick your battles. It’s best for the both of you.


Really.

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