Too Soon
In what effectively feels like one of the worst days in a while (I feel more trapped, tired, stressed and mad than ever), I can always find time for laughter.
A good friend and I agree that as long as we can find humour in something, there's still reason to live. The day I find myself unable to crack a joke even in the most dire circumstances, you'll probably find me with a bullet through my brain in a ditch somewhere (I know Singapore's full of high rise but I'm scared of heights, aight?!).
Dee, on leave today, was attending a wedding dinner at the zoo and informed me that they'd each received a stuffed toy lion as wedding favours.
I texted back: Omg so cute! Next time I also married at zoo with lucky draw. Winner gets thrown to white tigers.
To which my ever-astute compadre shot back: Haha but not before you give the winner a broom and pail.
Hahahaha!
People say that pressmen are hard-hearted, soulless and care for nothing more than spectacle.
This is untrue.
We're often laughing at the sidelines of funerals and joking about tragedies that occur, almost as soon as they wend their way out of the police department. But as Mugi once remarked: "You have to laugh, or you just can't do it at all." This, from a tough, grown man moved to tears at the sight of a grotty place under a bridge where a two year old girl's body was once stuffed to rot.
It's a wise maxim I use in every aspect of my life. It's what keeps me sane and afterward, I find I can still breathe and move and find joy in everything else. All I ask is that now and then, you take the trouble to look beyond the smile and care about what I want.
A good friend and I agree that as long as we can find humour in something, there's still reason to live. The day I find myself unable to crack a joke even in the most dire circumstances, you'll probably find me with a bullet through my brain in a ditch somewhere (I know Singapore's full of high rise but I'm scared of heights, aight?!).
Dee, on leave today, was attending a wedding dinner at the zoo and informed me that they'd each received a stuffed toy lion as wedding favours.
I texted back: Omg so cute! Next time I also married at zoo with lucky draw. Winner gets thrown to white tigers.
To which my ever-astute compadre shot back: Haha but not before you give the winner a broom and pail.
Hahahaha!
People say that pressmen are hard-hearted, soulless and care for nothing more than spectacle.
This is untrue.
We're often laughing at the sidelines of funerals and joking about tragedies that occur, almost as soon as they wend their way out of the police department. But as Mugi once remarked: "You have to laugh, or you just can't do it at all." This, from a tough, grown man moved to tears at the sight of a grotty place under a bridge where a two year old girl's body was once stuffed to rot.
It's a wise maxim I use in every aspect of my life. It's what keeps me sane and afterward, I find I can still breathe and move and find joy in everything else. All I ask is that now and then, you take the trouble to look beyond the smile and care about what I want.
She said, she said at 9:26 pm
25 Comments:
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his
tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that
such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men
were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here
lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the
tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
Men's vs Women's brains: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BxckAMaTDc
Hahahahha! The joke took me a minute but it's funny!
I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network.
They said 'Can I help you?' and he said 'No, I'm just looking.'
Strolling through the mall earlier, I nearly bumped into a new kiosk. The tiny shop was wrapped in a giant banner, proclaiming:
"ICE CREAM OF THE FUTURE"
I would have bought some, but apparently, it wasn't frozen yet.
I thought a double bumper would be nice for today:
"TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image here. I think you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry is not your biggest problem" -- Jerry Seinfeld
And a personal favourite:
Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions!"
A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says,
"Are you comfortable?"
The man replies,
"I make a good living."
Someone should have taught them that the correct thing to say is, "Hello, hello, are you all right?"
I know these Siamese twins. They moved to America, so the other could drive.
Who says there is no longer fairness in the world? Happy Chinese New Year.
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells,
"You should have been here at 0830!"
He replies,
"Why? What happened at 0830?"
In tribute of grandfathers:
My grandfather is hard of hearing and needs to read lips. I don't mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters..
Thought you'd appreciate a true story today.. I like to think of it as "Plan B"
While the world goes crazy worrying about the greying population and what we're going to do with them, our medical companies have already come up with "Plan B":
In an attempt to save costs, someone, shan't name any names, save to say he is part of the bumper crop that everyone is worrying about, decided to put his expired multi-vitamins into his beloved plant's pot. Congratulating himself upon seeing his plant thrive, his happiness lasted a grand total of two weeks. His plant is now contributing to our economy in demanding that he buy another.
*ok admitedly the delivery on that one could be improved. i'm still trying.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."
Something a little.. sacrilegious today:
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got
nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1.Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2.There are 10 commandments, not 12
3.There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7.The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9.When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12.The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
13.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
A Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. – Woody Allen
Did you hear about the 2 men from the monastery who opened up a fast food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, and the other was the chip monk.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Thank goodness, he's all right now.
An early morning one today..
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
I rear ended a car this morning...the driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started.
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
If you spin an Oriental around several times, does he become disoriented?
Did you hear about the two ships that collided at sea? One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint. All the sailors ended up being marooned.
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing. It just let out a little wine.
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