Mockalicious

RANDOM WEIRD THING ABOUT ME™ #4

I am CRAZY about chocolate. Well, I suppose that’s not weird in itself. I love pralines and truffles, I’m quite fond of Nestle, a sucker for Kinder Bueno and I’ll never say no to M&Ms. The strange thing is that I love all chocolate, except Cadbury’s. Yep, that’s right, Cadbury’s.

I know that there’s going to be a ton of eye-rolling and disagreement about this because after all, Cadbury’s is the mecca of chocolate (not the Macca, mind you, that’s probably Godiva). It’s the first one most of us put into our mouths and the one that gets us all hooked on the sweet, brown, creamy manna that the Aztecs called the drink of the Gods. And it’s probably the one with the greatest range of flavours and different recipes.

Even I started off eating Cadbury’s mini eggs and hazelnut bars.

Which is why over the years, I’ve come to decide that Cadbury’s isn’t actually chocolate after all. I know it sounds crazy, but take it from someone who eats the aforesaid treat a lot and I mean, A LOT. If you eat a cube of Cadbury’s plain diary milk chocolate slowly and really taste it, it doesn’t taste much like cocoa at all!

After giving it a lot of serious thought (I don’t joke about my chocolate, now!) I hypothesise that this is because the makers of this particular brand have slapped together a lot of sugar and milk and a brown substance that I like to call Mockolate©.

Mockolate©, I believe, is a blend of chemicals and cheap ingredients that when put together manages to pass for cocoa powder at a quick taste. What it really is though, is a conspiracy by what is potentially the biggest chocolate company in the world to cut costs by chucking in extra vegetable oil and sugar. What Mockolate© comprises specifically, I cannot tell. Actually, for all I know, it isn’t Mockolate after all, but that isn’t the point! It just isn’t all that great and leaves a strange after taste behind.

I know at this point I’m going to have to confess that I do like certain Cadbury flavours which are pretty darn good such as Crunchie and Cherry Ripe, but again this is because the chocolate, sorry, Mockolate© component is relatively small in them and therefore doesn’t quite offend the tastebuds as much! If you think about it, Cadbury’s costs around the same as a lot of other chocolates and yet, thanks to the advent of Mockolate©, must be minting a ton of money and we all know how much influence powerful, omnipotent MNCs have!

Am I saying eat less Cadbury’s? Why certainly not! It’s just a quirk of mine, and after all, they have that adorable ad-compaign going with the purple and white cows, chocolate houses and people and the Beach Boys song. All’s I’m saying is, now you know what REALLY happens behind the closed doors of the C factory, though remember, you didn’t hear it from yours truly.

Besides, that leaves more of the other brands for me.


M bought me the most adorable glow-in-the-dark sheep mobile ever (she truly caters to my every whim). I’ve hung it on my light so I can see it whenever flick the switch for bed because, y’know, counting sheep in the dark is the thing to do. From where I am, I can just see the little sheep with their curly fur jumping in a circle over an imaginary fence, bleating happily all the while.

It’s so cute, I feel like stabbing myself in the eye.