Caught with My Hand Down My Pants

Q: What’s worse than renting porn?
A: Your parents thinking you’ve rented porn when in actual fact you haven’t, honestly.

So a couple days ago I came waltzing home through the front door after a delightful dinner date only to be cornered by my mother in the kitchen. She was watching me with one beady eye as I poured myself a glass of cold water. I had just begun to drink when she made the first move.

“The library called today.”

I froze with water swilling around in my mouth. Was something dreadfully overdue? Had I failed to notice a book I had yet to return? Had I lost something and chalked up a substantial fine, as I am often wont to do?

“They said you returned a movie to them. But the DVD case was empty when opened. Apparently you still have the disc somewhere at home.”

“Oh,” I swallowed in relief. QED. I just had to ferret around for said DVD and pop by the next day to rectify the mistake.

“The librarian said,” my mother continued, her eyes narrowing slowly, “the movie was called The Irresistibles.”

“Huh?” I stared at her, uncomprehending.

“That’s right.” She glared at me. “What movie would that happen to be?”

My mind was racing. I’d borrowed Swing Time, About a Boy, Dumb Witness and Under the Tuscan Sun, all excellent choices but none of them especially racy. I’d heard of shit like Free the Willy and King Arthur and Knights on a Round Table but The Irresistibles? That sounded like a bad x-rated version of The Incredibles… you know, where the whole family gets in on the action. “I didn’t borrow any such movie,” I told her truthfully.

“Oh really? Apparently you did. And they have the empty case in your name to prove it.”

“B-but –” I couldn’t for the life of me remember when I’d actually watched such a title. Had someone borrowed it in my name? But why? And how would they have gotten their horny hands on my library card without me noticing? I phoned M who denied having seen such a production but who assured me that Sunset Boulevard was every bit as good as I’d heard.

Puzzling over the idea of some easily excitable lad enjoying some adult fiction at my expense, I squirmed out from under my mother’s increasingly suspicious gaze. “Look, I’ll just go by the library tomorrow, okay? They’ll show me the DVD case.”

The next day, I swung by with the one DVD I had managed to find, About a Boy. The Irresistibles, however, still remained a conundrum. I sought out the person manning the counter and explained my dilemma and presently, the mystery was solved. As expected, he presented me with the empty DVD case for About a Boy.

On a hunch, I flipped it over to read the blurb behind, only to find that Ebert and Roeper had very kindly given the movie two thumbs up and in big, blue letters, proclaimed it “Irresistible!”.

Huh.



In other very exciting news, (well exciting for me anyway!), I went a bit batty the other day and bought four cds I had been pontificating over for quite some time. I know, I know, piracy is just a few clicks away. But I like having something to put on in the car and besides, I feel some people deserve my money.

Just in case you, like me, are loathe to spend your eighty bucks (or so) or waste your time downloading something that isn’t worth a listen, here’s what I thought of them. Of course, my view is highly inexpert and highly biased and you’re welcome to avoid reading the paragraphs that follow. Whatever it is, I’m just sharing the love, so if you’re not going skip it, then zip it. (I’m just kidding! You know you’re welcome to say whatever you want, as long as it’s nice. Heh heh heh!)


Regina Spektor – Begin to Hope

While the title sounds like some schmaltzy American Idol debut cd with lame ass songs such as Do I Make You Proud, this album is really anything but. It’s cheaper than Spektor’s double album, Soviet Kitsch, while carrying some unique and thought-provoking ditties. Really, I just love Regina’s voice and all the little things she does with it and with the piano, so songs like Fidelity and On The Radio are refreshing changes from the slew of Katherine McPhee and Hilary Duff on MTV these days.

Deeper into the cd, there’s some slightly more atonal, almost avant-garde stuff and even a song in Russian, but it still makes enjoyable listening on a long car ride in the dark. My favourite track at present is Samson, a modern day take on the kind of relationship in which one lover can drain the other and still maintain that hold on them. Just listening to Spektor and the piano on this song can be a quietly moving experience and combined with her slightly Russian accent, it’s a charming moment. My only grouse is that Us was left out – thank goodness for youtube!


Mika – Life in Cartoon Motion

I dithered so long about buying this cd that when I finally did, I felt a little sorry, but not for long. It is a FANTASTIC pick me up at the beginning of every day. I dare you to listen to Lollipop or Big Girl and keep your feet still. Like everything Mika, this album can be pretty flamboyant, but he surprises with introspective moments on Any Other World and Relax.

Billy Brown is one of the funniest songs I’ve heard in recent times, and if you’re looking for more radio-friendly stuff, there’s My Interpretation and of course, Grace Kelly. The best thing about Mika instead of saying what he wants, he beeps, wails, howls and cries it out to the world… it’s a nice way to wake yourself up and tap into your inner drag queen. The hidden track at the end of the tenth song is a nice, soothing touch, too. Mika is freakin’ my age… if he carries making music the way he has been doing, those Freddie Mercury comparisons may just end up being justified.


Sean Lennon – Friendly Fire

This album is based on the fact that Sean’s love-of-his-life girlfriend, Bijou Philips, ended up cheating on him with his best friend, Max Leroy. Before Sean and Max could work things out after the relationship ended, Max was killed in an accident, resulting a cathartic album that is full of anger, guilt and unresolved sadness. Such weirdness could only happen to Ono-Lennon spawn! It seems like the whole album could be one big whinge, but luckily it isn’t. Sean’s inherited his Dad’s song-writing ability along with his Mom’s taste for the bizarre – I fell in love with Dead Meat the first time I heard it, but what a name for a song!

Unlike Mika and Regina Spektor, his music is much more toned down and easy to listen to, the tunes are actually really really pretty and the lyrics are intelligent and incisive. Parachutes is a lovely tribute to someone you love but who drags you down and Spectacle is a song about having a girlfriend who flirts with everyone else and is an exhibitionist – not very elegantly put by me, but you get the idea, we’ve all known one of those girls at some point. Tomorrow and On Again, Off Again are wonderful songs that evoke that depressed, lovesick vibe and Wait for Me even has a distinct Beatle-y flavour about it.

I’d like to say that I listen to Sean because of his father, but I’ve honestly come to love him as a musician in his own right. At the end of the day, people should stop kvetching about his parents and see that his pretty darned good all on his own.

Rufus Wainwright – Release the Stars

As usual, my darling Rufus is working it like it’s tomorrow and the rent was due yesterday. This whole album is one giant overdub extravaganza with all the operatic overtones of Want One and Want Two, with his glorious nasal vibrato soaring over the whole caboodle. I admit, it can be a bit daunting to listen to when you consider the sheer amount of sound that is layered into the music (as in Do I Disappoint You), but it doesn’t change the fact that he writes some of the best lyrics I’ve ever had the pleasure to read (E.g. Do I disappoint you/ In being only human/ Not one of the elements that you can light your cigar on/ Why does it always have to be fire/ Why does it always have to be brimstone. Desire).

I don’t know any other songwriter who would dare to write a song comparing Bush’s America to Nazi Berlin, saying that one city has already been messed around while the other is in the process of getting screwed over. Rufus remains patently frustrated with love and life, but not without his trademark wit – Between My Legs is like a requiem to Want Two’s Gay Messiah. Also, I recently saw pictures of him prancing around at a recent concert in drag – a top hat and tight fitting tuxedo dress that showed off his killer legs; they beat mine, well, legs down.

If by any chance you’re interested in trying out Wainwright’s music, this album would be a bad starter, it can be too much too soon. Rather, start with Poses (that album will change your life, I swear) and work your way up as I did, it can be a really kitschy, exciting, surprising and rewarding experience!



Okay, that was me screwing around on my bourgeois, music-reviewing high horse, I’m done for now. Basically, I just mean to say that if you’re in the mood to try something new, any (or all!) of these four albums can make really good listens, depending on your taste.

And even if you don’t like them, look on the bright side, you’ll have nice, sparkly new coasters!