By Zeus!

Maybe it’s because I’m studying him at two in the morning or because I am running on a stomach full of weak tea with no sugar, but Socrates (or should I say Plato) is driving me crazy.

I fully appreciate the need for argument and for clarification of important things like holiness and justice and virtue in order to be “better men” as the man himself put it, but right now, I really cannot stomach another Socratic dialogue.

To my tired mind, this is what a Socratic diatribe reads like:

A Treatise on Pigs (or, Socrates as interpreted by me).

Socrates: By the dog! What is a pig?

Random Conversant Who Will Eventually End Up Thinking That Socrates Is The Most Wise and Godlike Human He Has Ever Met: Well, Socrates! There are big pigs and small pigs and fat pigs and thin pigs and…

Socrates: I did not ask you what variations pigs came in! I don’t care if they come with or without wings. What I really want to know is: What is this piggishness which makes a pig a pig and which makes all pigs similar and identifiable as pigs?

RCWWEEUTTSITMWGHHHEM: Well, duh-uh, I’m so stupid Socrates, I don’t think I get what you mean.

Socrates: Think about it this way RCWWEEUTTSITMWGHHHEM, can I call you HHHEM? What makes a pig a pig? Is it that it has four legs? Well, by Zeus a cat or dog may have four legs. Maybe it is because it is pink. Well, many other things are pink. Maybe because it is a bristly thing that squeals and snorts in a certain way. Now HHHEM! Here is another question for you while we’re at it because, you know, my purpose is to confuse you and make you feel stupider than you already know you are.

Is it bristly and snorty because it is a pig or is it a pig because it is bristly and snorty? Aha! Riddle me that you sucker!

AND! Is a pig a thing of knowledge? Is it something that we can LEARN? Or is it something that is naturally occuring in the most lucky of us, that we are born naturally knowing what piggishness is and understanding the fundamentals of piggishness? Can piggishness not be taught?

I put it to you, good HHHEM. What is a geometrically perfect pig? Is a pig that is twice as long in length and breadth also a pig that is twice as large in surface area? Does a pig that is twice as large in surface area make curry that is twice as good?

And really, before we answer all those things, pray tell me, once and for all, what is a pig?

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

I’m sure he was very intelligent and his work was invaluable to humanity in many ways. I just don’t think I would be a very effective Philosophy student at all.

Give me my crazy people and I’m all set.

Really.


PS For best results, substitute the word “pig” with “honour”, “justice”, “goodness” or “holiness”. Satisfaction guaranteed!