Monday, October 02, 2006

The Next Big Thing

So!

I have been silent for nearly a week, a move that is rather uncharacteristic of me even if I may say so myself. The reason for the prolonged absence is this: I have been plotting.

Yes, my friends.

I am about to unleash the greatest new money-making idea of the era, greater than a lemming-powered generator, greater than a fish-tank-cum-centipede-trap and I am asking all of you, yes you, to partake in it with me. If you will just do me the favour of hearing me out, I assure you that together, we will be the Warren Buffets of the – uh- of whatever the hell century this is. (I realise of course that Warren Buffet is the Warren Buffet of this century already, but I am allowed to say whatever I want. SEE Artistic License.)

My idea is this. Ahem.

I am going to form a band.

Now before you write this off as another hare-brained scheme that involves breeding genetically-modified lemmings and the like, I ask you to dream with me for a second here.

My market research has led me to weed out a singularly interesting money-making specimen that appears to have no ostensible function and yet, manages to sell an unprecedented number of records, music videos and of course, sex.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the Pussycat Dolls.




I’ve been watching this group for a few months now, and I’ve realised something that never occurred to me before – you don’t need to do very much to be famous! Now, I’m not hating on the PCD (as they are known in tha ‘hood). I think they happen to be incredibly hot, talented in their own way, sing very very catchy songs and know exactly what they are doing when they get up on stage.

I’ve also noticed that only one of them seems to be doing any work at all.

It appears that in this band, only one girl actually sings and acts as the spokesperson while simultaneously making the whole group world-famous in a matter of half a year. Lead Cat, as I’ll refer to her for now, is tall, very toned, has enough long black hair to make carpets for an entire Arab family and can sing and dance well enough to capture an audience’s undivided attention.

All the other five girls have to do is prance and shake vigorously in the background, flip their hair over their shoulders and sometimes contribute to the music by breathily singing “Uh-huh”. Now and then one of them will hit a high note at the climax of the song and the three flexible ones of the lot will do matching high kicks, just cos it gives them more street cred, ya know.

In one “acapella” video I watched of the girls singing without music, there was even one Doll who didn’t sing AT ALL but merely got by by snapping her fingers in time to the music. They don’t even need to be particularly pretty as the camera is focused on Lead Cat most of the time and reduces the other five to gyrating blurs in the background.

And award shows? No problem. Lead Cat simply hogs the mic and shouts out golden words of wisdom such as, “I thank God for giving us all this talent!” and “We love the fans! They make us who we are today!”.

Ya don’t say.

So, I propose that I start a similar band with six girls who must fulfill a few simple pre-requisites. To join my band:

1) You must have long hair.
2) If you don’t have long hair, you must be willing to get extensions
3) Uh… that’s it.

As for the rest of the planning and management, leave it to me.


I’ve already thought of a catchy name, which as you must have figured out by now, is essential to survive in this industry. We will be known as Phat Prik (based on a thai dish off the Thai Express Menu). It has just the right amount of Asian exoticism combined with a provocative pronounciation for that sex-kitten touch. Also, it’s mysterious-sounding enough (Read: Pussycat Dolls, Atomic Kitten, Danity Kane) to make the fans curious about us.

As if that isn’t enough, I’ve also written our first song which is based on the PCD’s award-winning formula:

1) Enough sexual innuendo to be shown on MTV
2) Not so much sexual innuendo that MTV won’t show it

Just to whet your appetite, I present the chorus of our first number-one-hit-to-be: "Car".

“Baby, won’t you wax my car?
Make me feel just like a star,
Slide your sponge under my hood,
Ooh you make me feel so good…

Honey won’t you steer my wheel,
Let me know that this is real,
Shift me into second gear, And stroke my leather interior..."


It’s perfect, I tell you, perfect!!


Now all I need is a tall, leggy girl with a penchant for wearing sports bras and mini-skirts to be the Lead Cat… I mean Lead Prik, four other random girls and some hair extensions for myself and we’re all set to make our first million!


Interested girls only need apply to me. Just let me know what nickname (Cool Prik, Baby Prik, Posh Prik) you want to have, and whether you’ll need extensions or not. Oh, and don’t forget to bring your sports bra.


Watch out, PCD. You won’t know what hit you.

6 Comments:

Blogger - said...

That's like, so totally fetch!

I'm in! But extensions kinda damage the scalp, do they? but the 1st million, which shouldn't be more than two weeks ago (the single should hit #1 everywhere, even in those places with no radio) would be able to pay for a new scalp.

But if I don't make it through the auditions (from which I'll know what you did last summer, or in our island, we call semester), I could be your manager. I'll also handle the logisitcs and welfare of those half-naked male dancies. You girls mingle and have tea with their pregnant ex-girlfriends.

*air kiss* love ya!

1:11 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aye, don't you be dissn' ma gurls, honey. They're the shit, right dere. So get off dem backs or I'm calling the pound...Ya feelin' me?

I'm pretty sure my hair getting long enough to help in your cause. We could even have like a TV show to find more clueless bodies to gyrate in the background with absolutely no singing talent! More money for us for the gold brick houses for our little smoochum doggles.

I'm still amazed at how much I like their rendition of "Feelin good"...But it is weird to be on the same album as "Buttons". Come on, genre darlings, G-E-N-R-E. If "right now" is any telling of their talent...well, then, booty is all they got.

2:03 am  
Blogger Girl said...

Girl -- Miea

When you say logistics and welfare you do mean working out and (lack thereof) clothes right? You're perfect for the job... I know you'll not only pick the best looking male dancers, you'll also keep them really fit, right?

Heh heh heh... and of course you've made it through the auditions... just willing to be called Preppy Prik is enough! Now get to work finding those men for us... never mind if they can't dance so long if they have hot bods! Prik on sista!

10:28 pm  
Blogger Girl said...

Girl -- Bex

Gold brick houses??! Puh-leeze... I was going more along the lines of platinum with diamond studded doorways... dream big, honey, dream big! And could I please make you the Director of Photography and the Art Director for our TV Show to find the new gyrators for our band? I know you have the expertise :D

As for the long hair, you're in! We just to get your persona figured out and then you'll be all set... Just one thing... you're gonna have to stop listening to our rival's tracks. I know they're catchy but if the word gets out on the street, we're done for before we even begin... it's a cat-scratch-cat world out there baby! *extends claws*

10:35 pm  
Blogger Girl said...

Girl -- rebecca

Okay! Set! It's perfect... we'll have two Rebeccas in the band, just like the Spice Girls had two Melanies! I smell great things coming ladies! Can you be the one to get the breast implants/ nose job halfway through our career so as to boost record sales? Pretty please?

I'll check if Miss Geraldine's interested! Unfortunately, she might just be too busy hanging out with Swubby-Sundae! :P

10:37 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, it just hit me. Swubby should get a makeover and be our little mascot. It's front page headliner stuff - "Bovine goes Prik for love and fame". Hey it'll be a good life. Diamond studded doors, high end erm...(what exactly does he eat?) whatever it is, it'd be real good.

And Swubby can judge the show!!! Ohmigosh! *That'd be like totally awesome*

10:46 pm  

Post a Comment

<< Home