Saturday, October 25, 2008

Always A Reason To Laugh

D: "...So the Singaporean version of Helen Keller, she actually had a husband and everything. But later he died so it was quite sad."

Me: "Oh? (pregnant pause) How long was it before..... I can't say it! (trails off and starts laughing)"

D: "What?! Oh my god, that's mean."

Me: "I know! But you're laughing too!"

D: (still laughing) "I can't believe you were going to say that!"

Me: "Hey, you knew what the end of the sentence was going to be, so you're just as bad as me."


"Girl says: you and my brother are further up brokeback mountain than you think

han says: you dont even know...we WERE the inspiration for that movie

han says: they had to lessen the impact of the movie because ours was too graphic

han says: hahahhahahah

Girl says: You don't say... good thing they got Jake Gyllenhal and Heath Ledger to sign on...
I don't think I could've stomached yours on the big screen

Girl says: Not that the privates would have taken up much space

han says: thats what everyone thought

han says: until they realised they had to use the wide lens shot

han says: from 100 meters away

Girl says: to accomodate both your paunches, no?

Girl says: don't worry, that secret's safe with me

han says: only your brother

han says: in fact...everytime the director said "cut", he responded with " the cheesecake "

Girl says: and you couldn't say anything because your mouth was too full?

Girl says: what director was willing to sit through THAT, by the way??

Girl says: I worry that someone is going around out there, blinded

han says: we had provided the entire crew with glasses which blurred their vision

Girl says: thank god for small mercies

Girl says: i only hope you burned the tape

Girl says: oh you should totally send it to North Korea

han says: we have

han says: thats why they've decided to commit to ending their nuclear program"


Saturday, October 18, 2008


Believe it or not, I wrote a song. This morning as I stood, bleary-eyed in the shower, a tune found its way into my brain and has been repeating itself in a mobius strip ever since. It centres on a modern day romance which actually happened in two lovers' past lives as the fairytale, Sleeping Beauty. They suddenly both remember it and it confirms how meant to be they are.

I have no idea if it works or if it'll be any good, but tell me about the lyrics if you've got anything to say.

At eight in the morning the sun made it in,
Streaming like ribbons through the window,
It touched on the faces of the slowly greying kin,
They came alive, and woke...

And the princess with braids on the four poster bed,
Felt a lover's hand upon her shoulder,
He felt for her lips he lowered his head,
She raised her eyes, and spoke

* Finally,
You came for me,
I was asleep while the garden overgrew with weeds
But you fought your way through statues and the fossil trees
And woke me with a kiss

They sit holding hands and watching the sea,
Car headlights play catch in the darkness,
She says you may not recall, but that princess was me,
He turns to her and speaks

* Can't you see,
All along it's been me,
I scaled the thorny hedges so you'd set me free,
You had to know somewhere in your deepest dreams,
I'd wake you with a kiss.

Not So Motley

The Crue were awesome!!!! (Can I please rephrase that because there are obviously not enough exclamation points in the first sentence.) AWESOME!!!!!!!!

It was the concert with the most raw, animal energy I have ever seen in my life. Unlike Sabbath, where the band relaxedly played with the self-assuredness of age and experience behind them, the Crue were clearly out to impress.

As usual, my brother and the crew camped out in the line a couple hours before the show so that we would be squashed right up against the safety barrier in the front row. And thank god we were, because the crowd was brutal. I was trampled on, pushed and shoved, and covered in sweat that didn't belong to me. At some point, some asshole diagonal to me was pulling my hair from its tight ponytail and apparently a girl behind my brother kept putting her hand in his pocket. Can anyone say molest?

The moment the gauzy black curtain dropped, displaying the stage in all its misty glory, I went absolutely hoarse screaming. Tommy Lee was already pounding the crap out of a monstrous red and black drum set and Vince Neil was spinning on the middle of the stage. The whole band was larger than life, from the gnarly spring-loaded microphone stands that ticked about like the arm on a metronome to the bands' tattoed bodies, covered in ripped black and leather.

So because I don't have photos of the actual concert, I now present you ciplat pictures poached from various (un)reliable internet sources:

Vince Neil was an abso-bloody-lutely fantastic vocalist, which surprised me because you can't really tell just how hard he sings off albums. While his voice wasn't necessarily pleasant, it was filled with energy and was pitch perfect almost every single time. The thing that impressed me most was the way he would change the pitch of his screams to make them sound almost melodic, something I haven't actually seen done live. He danced and ran and jumped in a way that actually managed to be stylish and had everyone jumping on the spot in a frenzy.

Plus, he made lots of eye contact with the crowd and turned to grin and point at us when we shrieked "Vince! We love you!" like freakin' groupies at one point and his face is more cute and teddy-bearish than hard and craggy. When he sang Girls, Girls, Girls, he actually hung his diamante studded mike over the girl right next to me so she could belt the chorus into it, then turned to his left and did the same thing to Han. I almost died, I was so star struck.

The chemistry he had with Nikki Sixx was just awesome, the two would jokingly nudge and push each other while singing, he would mess up Nikki's hair and they would crowd together at the side of the stage and do playful dances together. And let me tell you, if you think he's hot in pictures, Sixx is absolutely smokin' in real life. He's not lean or muscled, but his face is so good-looking that with the black goatee and dark, shagged hair, the dude was sweating sex appeal from every pore.

Apparently, one of the nutty white chicks behind us was even overhead saying she wanted him to fuck her in the ass, or something equally palatable. Anyway, he was wearing pants with red flames licking up the sides, long strips of studded leather and some sort of sparkly scarf that reached down to the backs of his knees and he actually carried it off. He was a little peeved at the beginning of the show because his earpiece seemingly screwed up, but towards the end, when he came to the edge of the stage and started reaching for the fans and beckoning random girls, it was pure magic.

Incidentally, Sixx (almost 50, believe it or not) is now dating Kat Von D of Miami Ink fame. How cute are they together?! They practically have the same hair.

Mick Mars was standing on the other side of the stage, and understandably didn't move around a whole lot, so I didn't really get the chance to see what he was up to. He looked skinny and pale and small and his top hat was pulled low over his eyes so that I could barely see where he was looking. He wore shoes with a slight platform and when he did make his way over to our corner, he was thin and a little bent.

When he played however, it was absolutely seamless and without effort, the kind of playing that is so smooth and easy that you barely notice it. He made some small eye contact with the audience when the band came to the front for a final bow, and really, that's all I saw of him.

Tommy Lee played in nothing but a pair of checked shorts and a belt and the big booming sound of his giant bass drums and toms added to the drama of the whole affair. While I was trying to admire his playing, I also couldn't stop thinking of Pamela Anderson everytime I looked at him. Unlike other drummers who mostly stay behind their kits, he was miked up and actually climbed off the stage to swan around in front of us and dole out high fives while screaming "I love you, I love you!" to everyone. Pansley touched his sweaty arm and I don't think she's been the same since.

One very cute thing they all did was to turn and face Tommy at the end of a song so that he could raise a number of fingers to indicate how many beats he would wait till the big finish. Little bits of by-play like this make the experience that much more enjoyable.

We made friends with the security guy, Will, who had also been front row at Megadeth, Sabbath and Dream Theatre. Because the crowd was so crazy and everyone was getting shoved into pulp, girls would faint or feel woozy every 15 minutes and Will would have to climb the barrier to pull them out of the crowd, bringing me face to face with his crotch - not the most pleasant of situations.

Also, the British girl right next to me was so crazy about Nikki Sixx that everytime he approached the front of the stage (which he did a lot since he was on our side), she went into a sonic-pitch scream that would have woken Ho Chi Minh, leaving me with intense tinnitus in my left ear.

But seriously, whatever. I'm not a giant Motley Crue fan, but I had one of the most awesome evenings in a while, topped by a nice chilling out session at a nearby Macdonald's afterwards. The boys got their picks, Han managed to pilfer song lyrics from the stage and everyone else got posters for their room. It was insane and wonderful all at the same time.

Plus, while waiting for the guys to come on, we got wind that Iron Maiden might be down in February next year.

I'm there.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

And Now, For Something Completely Different...

Because Death Warrant is just THAT awesome, they decided on what I call "intense 70s porno" for their latest makeover. (Would you believe it if I told you second from the right's 'do is his actual hair??)

From left to right: Bottom feeder, King Dong, Pimpanzee and Mr Fant-ass-tic.
- Ganked off Pansley's blog

Also, this is the children's cartoon snowman that Di has named me after.

Loathe as I am to admit that it exists, the evidence is staring us right in the face. I draw the line, however, at people who say that I look like this ridiculous "Bouli" creature. I beg to differ. My shirt has THREE buttons on it. PFFFFT.

PS I have tickets for Motley Crue on Thursday! Nothing like a little mildly-juvenile heavy metal to rock up an otherwise dreary work week.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

It's Only Me

I'm exhausted. I am challenged. I'm pretty much fucked.

I'm wearing light grey socks with dark grey clovers printed on them.

I cannot find the charger for my phone though I'm sure, in typical fashion, it'll turn up when I neither need nor expect it.

I hate the word "panties" though calling them "knickers" really does it for me.

My knickers today are dark blue.

My youngest brother just turned 19.

When I put my hair back in a claw, I look, apparently, like Sarah Palin. What this says about my intellect, I'm not really sure.

Cappucinos in the morning make me far less lactose intolerant than skinny lattes. Also, the lashing of chocolate powder on the top makes me feel as if I'm having a slightly more decadent dessert.

I cannot get Bradley Whitford off my mind.

I have two long roads to walk and I can only walk them alone.

Thursday, October 02, 2008


In a moment of random-ness, surfing through the archives of one of our publications, I found this old column which mentioned the book "He Just Not That Into You".

Scrolling through the mass of black words on grey, I suddenly stopped at this paragraph.

It's one of the few things that's made sense in a while.

"Author Greg Behrendt points out that men are not as complicated as women make them out to be.

When a man loves you, he (1) calls you regularly (2) does not send you mixed messages (3) wants to have sex with you only (4) does not put you down (5) AND wants to marry you.

If he is not like all of the above, then he doesn't love you.

Love is given, not earned. Love is glory, not grief.

Have the courage to admit that your man does not love you. As much as singlehood sucks, being with an unloving man is worse. Bad and uncertain relationships make you feel bad and uncertain, and that's not what you were put on this earth for.

Make a space in your life for the great feelings you deserve. Get up. Walk out.

Now." - The New Paper